Nothing’s equivalent to the dread of waking up before your alarm. God woke you up 5 minutes early (perhaps for a laugh). You beg that it’s Saturday or that you read your alarm wrong.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
Now, these brief seconds of the alarm shouting at you is where I like to think men are made. Will you dig deep into what’s left of your heart and get up, OR will you succumb to the bundle of fluff that’s never before felt so warm?
Students seem to be big fans of the latter. The question now is, how do we make kids push through and show up to school?
I’ve devised a plan to ensure EVERY student shows up to school on time. I call it Operation Peacefully Obtain Organs, or Operation P.O.O. for short.
Operation P.O.O. essentially entails harvesting tardy students’ organs as an incentive to arrive on time.
The system ensures the transaction is successful. If the student is tardy for two consecutive days, both kidneys will, unfortunately, be removed and sent home in a little plastic bag, just like the dentists do with your wisdom teeth!
Five days marked tardy will result in the detachment of the liver. Students have been granted the opportunity and privilege to reclaim the organ if they have met or will meet their required SSL hours.
Consecutive absences of six days will result in the surgical removal of the lungs. We will not send the lungs home but, instead, to Mrs. Smyrk’s health class for live demonstrations.
Seven is for the severing of the spleen; more than eight, and you’ll surely be underweight.
Anything past these limits will result in the students being recycled into bio-energy.
Critics might argue against the P.O.O. method, claiming it’s “UnEthicAl” and “ImOral,” but the organs harvested don’t all go to waste; they’re donated to the Watkins Mill cafeteria.
If W.M. were to utilize P.O.O., we’d see skyrocketing student engagement. Parents would force students to attend school, and students would be happier.
I mean, who wouldn’t be happy knowing they’re eating the livers of misbehaving students?
(Editors Note: The other staff of The Current does not affiliate with Tejan or this belief of eating livers.)
