Baby Nut was the worst part of the Super Bowl and should not exist


Caleb Vargas

Why are people complaining about the halftime show when the worst part of the Super Bowl was clearly Baby Nut?

There is no going back now. This is the reality we live in and there is nothing you can do about it.

“I am become Death, destroyer of worlds,” whispered the marketing executive who created this monstrosity before submitting the commercial set to air during the Super Bowl.




Mr. Peanut is a baby; and everything is worse now.




Baby Nut is a top contender for worst thing ever manifested in this realm. Nothing about Baby Nut makes sense, Why does he make dolphin noises? Why does he have the voice of a middle-aged man? And most importantly, what cardinal sin did humanity commit to deserve Baby Nut?

If I had to choose between spending six minutes with Baby Nut or serving two consecutive life sentences for murders I did not commit, just point me in the direction of Morgan Freeman now.

Baby Nut has no place in this world. He doesn’t pay taxes, he doesn’t have a job, and he probably scribbled in Bernie Sanders during the 2016 election. What a waste of a vote Baby Nut! If Baby Nut were a member of The Current’s staff, he’d be Jade, because he is small, makes no sense, and is probably grossly unfunny.

While Baby Nut may seem cute and innocent, his predecessor, Mr. Peanut, is anything but. Mr. Peanut was a gross, horrible giant nut with a monocle and top hat who sold other nuts who were then eaten. Let me make that clear, a peanut who sold other peanuts knowing very well they’d be eaten. If this is not a gross example of the dangers of living in a late capitalist society, then I’m not sure what is.

While yes, many were sad to see Mr. Peanut die horribly, I would argue that his death was not only deserved, but should be celebrated. Mr. Peanut was a freak of nature who probably shouldn’t have existed to begin with. Giant nuts shouldn’t exist, let alone drive around in even bigger nuts. By existing, Mr. Peanut had declared war on nature, and now nature has exerted its horrible retribution.

Baby Nut is not good, there’s just no other way to put it. He is the Ringo Starr of the food industry: irrelevant and not good at anything.

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