Top ten ways to dodge the draft in World War III


Amelia Burton

Everyone knows World War 3 is starting any day now. Here’s how to avoid getting drafted into fighting it.

*The following article is a work of satire and does not represent the views of The Current. We do not intend to offend anyone or their beliefs.

We all know that the impending doom of World War III is threatening to send us to the front lines (it has to be true, I read it on Twitter), so we gotta do what we gotta do to stay alive.

While the trouble with Iran has been neutralized for the most part, there is always the possibility that things take a turn for the worst and that some other conflict arises. In case this does happen, here are some quality tips for dodging the draft like a pro.

10) Flee to Canada or Mexico

While this may seem like a solid option, it could backfire if these countries get involved in the war. So while you may not get drafted into the United States military, you may still have to fight for Canada or Mexico… or you could just get bombed and die. Also, if you do this, you’re a total hypocrite if you support Trump’s wall.

9) Fake insanity

This plan seems pretty solid, but due to the major side effect of having to live in a mental institution, it’s pretty low on the list. However, you get free meals and a free hug jacket. And who doesn’t like hug jackets? Technically you get free meals in the military too, but you don’t have to work as hard for those in a mental institution. 

8) Become so rich that you can buy your way out of the draft

This is what most celebrities and “important” people are going to do if they get drafted, but you need A LOT of money for this so either start playing the lottery or take out a small loan of a million dollars from your father. You could marry rich too, but that could be hard to do if you are a minor. Also, (if any rich people are reading this) send me some draft dodging money ASAP so I can make sure I don’t get drafted.

7) Have asthma

Simply say, “I can’t run, I have asthma,” and then just run away from the officers. But if you only had asthma as a child and no longer suffer from it… well then sorry sis because (according to The Balance Careers) “asthma is only disqualifying if it occurs after the applicant’s 13th birthday” which means you are screwed with the rest of us.

6) Have a real history of mental illness

It is really easy to use this if you have one, but impossible to use if you don’t. So I’ll just leave this here in case anyone needs it.

 5) If you are a guy, become a woman

You might not know this, but fun fact: draft laws have not yet changed, so women technically still can’t be drafted. I know, the more you learn right? However, this has been deemed “unconstitutional” and the Supreme Court is working on it, so this could change. 

4) Be a child

Honestly just get in a de-ager or time machine and BAM — you are safe. Only people aged 18-25 can be drafted, so turning yourself 18 months old should be good. Unless the war goes on for longer than expected, then whoops, you’re still going to war, you dumb bagel.

3) Go to college

If you are in school you are less likely to get drafted, and even if you do, you could probably manage to stay off the front lines. But be warned: if you go to school for an art degree, you will get drafted first — and you kind of deserve it at that point.

2) Don’t be straight

Go to Mike Pence’s fun summer camp. It is free and has these really nice cots. Plus the whole place is surrounded by heavily guarded walls and barbed wire so you will stay super safe.

1) Get preggo

If they do happen to adjust the laws to include women, fear not! Just get yourself knocked up and become a 20th-century housewife who takes care of the cooking and cleaning. This probably only works for women, but men can try too if they want. We do believe in equal opportunity after all.

Disclaimer: Results may vary. Avoiding the draft on purpose is treason and some of these are committing federal crimes, so be careful and don’t get caught. And if you do get caught, I don’t know you and I certainly didn’t write this article. My bone spurs prevented me from doing so.

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