Cooking turkey in an oven? Lame. Here are better ways to cook this Thanksgiving.

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Ashley Huynh

Here are several, very conventional ways to cook a turkey this Thanksgiving.

I bet you’re sitting in your kitchen right now wondering, “How do I cook the perfect turkey?”

Well, don’t worry, because The Current has got you covered! You would be relatively surprised to learn that many people use these methods when cooking turkeys, and while we can’t tell you how to season your main course, we can definitely tell you how to cook it. 

1.) The microwave – This is the easiest way to cook your turkey. You open the microwave, stick the turkey in, and hit the big ‘turkey’ button in the middle of your suggestion buttons because of course, they clearly made this very real button so people could conveniently cook their turkey in mere minutes. I would make your side dishes well before you start this process. 

2.) Put it in the dryer – For this, you follow the same steps as the microwaving process, but this takes longer. Just make sure you put the high heat setting and not the low one to ensure your turkey cooks properly.

3.) Put it outside to sunbathe on the nearest rock – This is an all-day process, so you would need to start early. You also want to find a relatively flat rock. Make sure to turn the turkey every now and then to cook evenly.

4.) Put it in your neighbor’s car to cook (or just someone you dislike) – The problem with this method is figuring out how to get it  into the car in the first place. You might want to use a rock to break in first and then leave it to cook all day. Don’t bother turning it—the turkey will cook just fine on its own.

A few more ways to cook your turkey without the long explanation include: 

5.) Chopping it up and putting it in the deep fryer

6.) Hog tie-ing it and roasting it over your fire

7.) Breathing warm air on it for a while

8.) Using a hair dryer

9.) Putting it in a bath with a toaster (Editor’s note: The turkey will have an electrifying aftertaste)

10.) Dig a hole in the center of the Earth and slow roast it in the Earth’s core

If you need any explanation for the ones listed above, please feel free to email dontactuallydothisyouwillregretit@youwillalsolookstupid.com. Also, don’t be shy about any questions or concerns. After all, we wouldn’t want your Thanksgiving to be a disaster just because nobody taught you how to properly cook your turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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