Watkins Mill secedes from Montgomery County, forms autonomous school district


Sanjay Fernando

By order of the capybara wizard, Watkins Mill will be seceding from Montgomery County, effective immediately.

As the unofficial official, super important, totally legit representative of the Watkins Mill High School community, I hereby declare our separation from the Montgomery County Public School System.

Reasoning? Cringe worthy communication and lack of reasoning behind already horrible decisions. The people of WMHS choose to remove themselves from the sweaty claws of MCPS. By majority vote, MCPS may continue their horrible decision making and unwillingness to answer the community, while keeping away from WMHS students.

You may ask, what is our next move as a community? Uh, maybe follow Prince George’s County Public Schools around for a while. They seem like they know what they’re doing. Anything’s honestly better than this.  In the event, PG doesn’t let us in (please let us in), then we shall lay the foundations of our own county.  Who says we can’t just make our own county anyways?

It is decreed that the capybara wizard of WMHS forthwith makes the decisions for the rest of the community. If thou seeketh to question the validity of the capybara wizard of WMHS, don’t. You won’t find the capybara wizard, it is too wise. Much wiser than the MCPS BOE. The capybara wizard has declared MCPS is an incompetent mess (we agree).

There are roughly 1,800 people within the WMHS community. Further delaying the transition to virtual learning and risking the lives of staff, students, and the families they go back to is genuinely dull.  With the refusal to communicate to the people and effectively organize COVID infrastructure within school systems, it has become our last resort to secede from MCPS. Because that is totally a legit thing we can do. Capybara wizard said so.

Students, staff, and families are stressed. Going to a tightly packed building with almost two thousand people with little-to-no real direction on handling the surge of covid cases is ignorant. The board hides behind virtual meetings and office spaces, while the people are anxiety-ridden and lost. Short staffing, a highly contagious sickness, no guidance, and no answers. What kind of administration is MCPS if they cannot even communicate with the people? We totally see it best fit to declare our sovereignty.

Oh also, since we’re our own county, effective today. I’m the superintendent, governor, and sheriff. Why? Cause the capybara wizard said so and who am I to go against its authority?


Editor’s note: The above article is a satire. Watkins Mill is not seceding, nor would a capybara wizard give Josh any actual authority over anything.

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