I have a keen hatred for all winter sports. I hate them all equally, and I think it is the worst thing to do in the winter. Now let me tell you exactly why.

My biggest problem with winter sports is that they occur in my off-season. Maybe it’s because I’m a football player, but I can’t stand the idea of committing to another sport after doing months of work. Remembering how we practiced twice a day makes me want to lie in bed and never get up.

Another thing that rubs me the wrong way is the cold. I’m from the south, so when the temperature drops, we go inside. Southerners don’t like the cold AT ALL; to me, anywhere from 40 to 50 degrees is cold. The DMV is so confusing to me. People will be outside in t-shirts, saying it feels good, and here I am with two jackets and a beanie. They’re insane, I tell you!

On top of not liking the cold, I just don’t like any of the sports that take place. Like, what am I gonna play, BASKETBALL?! Firstly, as I said, it’s the off-season, and that’s a little too much running for me. Secondly, I have the knees of a house built in the 18th century. They’ll do everything from creaking to popping and probably falling off my body. Third and lastly, I’m horrendous at the sport. I’m sure there are toddlers with better chances of making a basket than me. So, overall, it just wouldn’t work. Sorry basketball, it’s not you, it’s me.

Don’t get me started on the other options either. Wrestling has too many injuries, and I’d like to keep my ACL where it is, please, and thank you. Finally, the worst of them all: INDOOR TRACK. If it says indoor in the name, why are we practicing outside?! Like you would never catch me on that track in the winter. Ever! So sorry to the tall security guard who keeps trying to recruit me; it ain’t happening. Unless God blesses me with the skills of Lebron James, without the bald spot, I won’t be doing any winter sports. I’ll see y’all in the spring, though.

– The CEO