Why Alassane is actually your favorite auntie


Michelle Batres

Senior Alassane Faye is undeniably the aunty of the newspaper staff this year.

The Current staff is one big family (not really). After writing my “Why Julien is a dad” article, I realized some other members of newspaper resembled near and dear family members we all recognize.

Why Alassane is an auntie:

1. He has mastered the “up-and-down look.” You know when your aunt gives something or someone that once-over with their eyes? The one that says so much without saying anything at all. Yeah, Alassane implies entire paragraphs of judgment without saying one word, leaving you to guess what he’s thinking, but also feeling a little hesitant to find out.

2. He protects his peace. And in doing so, tells you all the tea.

3. He dresses well 100% of time. Alassane does have a knack for looking good, especially in his luxury Shein attire.

4. He asks a lot of “innocent” questions. My favorite being, “Is that how you do that? Because me personally…”

5. He’s lived a long life. Alassane pulls out dramatic stories out of nowhere as if he’s 45 years old with 12 past careers. He is, in fact, 17 with no college degree.

6. He is connected to his culture. Alassane takes pride in being Senegalese, speaking multiple languages, and talking about his experiences living in Senegal. While this itself is not auntie behavior, the spontaneous accent changes are a direct resemblance to auntie mannerisms.

7. He has certain catchphrases. His most iconic one being, “Hmmppffff. Shame.”

8. His voice stays in your head. Sometimes I find myself observing my own actions and saying “Hmmppfff. Shame,” to no one but myself. It’s slightly terrifying.

9. He likes karaoke. All my aunts say they don’t sing much and then become Mariah Carey when the mic comes out. I’m sure Alassane is the same.

10. He wears pearls. I mean, come on.

11. He gives good advice. His advice can be a little too honest at times, but hey, sometimes that’s just what you need. 

12. His resting face looks like he knows something you don’t. I can’t even explain, but Alassane permanently looks like he’s sitting on a life-shattering piece of gossip that only he knows. He makes me suspicious just by being in the room.

Nonetheless, we love Alassane and his auntie tendencies. Comment what other auntie identifying characteristics Alassane has. Also, feel free to suggest other staff members as possible family members.

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