As a writer for The Current, it is my job to report the truth. But in this case, I’m hesitant because I fear for my life. With that being said, I will use a pseudonym to refer to someone whom we’ll call BJ Bordon.

If you get the clues and find out who BJ Bordon is, for your own safety, just keep it to yourself. Nevertheless, I just read a certain someone’s article on why I am everyone’s favorite auntie. While flattered, I’m also feeling vindictive. Therefore, I am here to let the world know why Madam BJ Bordon is indeed a villain. 

Her Insults

Before I begin, I would like to clarify something. In the recently published article mentioned above, I was accused of getting all of my attire from Shein…WHICH IS A COMPLETE AND UTTER LIE.

Now that that’s out of the way, BJ’s insults are deadly. Normal people lob an insult, and it would be slightly fabricated. BJ insults you and you have to sit and let it sink in because they are actually based in truth.

I remember one of the first times I hung out with BJ was on a mental health day after our PSATs last year, and she told me that I was the type to “frolic in a meadow,” which she claims was said to take care of her mental health.

To this day, I cannot perform my occasional walks in the creek without that sentence ringing in my head. I mean she’s not wrong… but…whatever.

Her Stares

BJ’s stares are actually disrespectful. I could literally be minding my business and I’ll look to my right and see BJ staring into my soul. That would be one of her superpowers, she could shoot laser beams from her eyes and her victims would disintegrate. Whether it’s intentional or not, that doesn’t matter, BJ’s stares give people anxiety attacks and she needs to be stopped.

Her Physique

Her big arms and heavy fists make her resemble the Incredible Hulk. I am a victim of numerous unprecedented attacks from BJ. This is common villain behavior and this would be another one of her superpowers. Legend has it, whenever someone inhales, BJ has completed a set for her biceps in the gym.

She’s Exceptionally Short

There’s nothing wrong with being short. But when you’re tall like me, aggression has room to stretch out. In BJ’s case, it has nowhere to go and therefore comes out, frequently at me. 

She uses an iPad instead of a Chromebook

This just makes more sense in my head, but I digress. What are you doing on that iPad of yours? Why do you need your personal iPad for school affairs? Are you making your evil plans on that iPad? Are you scouting and plotting on your next victim? Tell us, BJ.

She hates for fun

I can’t count the number of times I would be prancing in joy and BJ would just stand there, raining on my parade.

She is mean to Julien

Julien Payen is a wonderful, bright man (Editor’s note: LIES) (Other Editor’s note: No, this is 100 percent true, thank you Alassane). He is always in his corner typing or watching soccer, minding his business, but guess who can’t stand it… BJ. I am a witness to BJ’s constant bullying towards Julien. On one hand, it’s funny to watch, but on the other hand, I can’t help but feel sad for the always positive victim, Julien.

I’d help him, but then she’d just come for me. So I’ll go back to my meadow instead.

She has to try to be nice

I cannot make this up. Before an interaction, BJ takes a deep breath and looks for nice things to start with, until she eventually loses patience and goes on to be her usual villainous self.

I personally know because she is my evil twin

Now I can’t lie, BJ and I are evil twins. We fantasize about being mean girls in a school movie, eyeing down our victims. She mentioned in her article that I have mastered the “up and down look,” so of course she would know because we mastered it together.

I said so

My intuition never lies. 

Nonetheless, BJ’s villain tendencies are very present, yet iconic and very much appreciated.

Joint Editor’s note: The entire Current staff loves BJ Bordon.  Newspaper would not be the same without her.  She read through this article and approved its publication. Sure, she’s crying in the hall now, but she’ll get over it and write another article making fun of us next week.