Heze gets tired of school, transfers to IMG

Hezekiah Likekele

The first semester of senior year finally ended and let me be the first one to tell you, it was anything BUT a breeze!

I’m being bombarded by brutal assignments every single day and I’ve honestly had enough. At least twice a day I start to ask a lot of questions like “Is this class really worth it? College costs how much?? Do I really need school???”

Let me not be foolish. I’m African, so school is my only option whether I like it or not. But if I had the opportunity, I would reinvent school.

First thing I’d do is make this new school a boarding school. Spending 13 years under the same roof with your parents is nice and all, but also very annoying. So many unnecessary rules are made just because they’re too tired to do anything. And I’d like the place to be somewhere nice so I’m just gonna spitball and say it should be in Florida.

Now we’re in the great sunshine state, but school is still school, so what is it like? Easy. We still wake up early to start school at 8am. You go to your first period to stand for the anthem: “Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill, because listening to that song boosts your adrenaline levels by 100 percent according to some study I found on Twitter, so you know it’s true.

First period just so happens to be a block class for about two hours. Then you’re done. That’s it. Finished. You’ve learned all the necessary knowledge for the day. Instead of 45 minutes of Shakespearean study, which you’ll never use, you just learned how to properly scam the IRS without a single trace, something actually useful.

But school can’t be only two hours long, so here’s where the kick comes in: athletics! Every room in the school is either a classroom, bathroom or a gym. Walking in the hallway you either feel the need to study math, study film or be stuck in the bathroom doing both.

Now with all the money saved from not buying useless books and cool Promethean boards, all that money is invested into turning the students into an army of athletic soldiers ready to go pro–the dream of all student-athletes. You practice on the best turf fields in the world and the real games are played on clouds straight from Columbia for the best traction.

And the perks are beyond amazing. Nike, Adidas, Under Armour, and Big Baller Brand all give you early access to shoes they haven’t even designed yet. Rumor has it Lavar plays you one-on-one if you wear all BBB gear. They also dress you from head to toe, with enough apparel for eight weeks, so much gear that on spirit week they have a day dedicated for each brand.

Of course, Friday Night Lights are insane. Their games are so official that all of Florida has to end all their games early so all the power in the stadium can run smoothly. As they storm the field, they get the best fireworks display with an Air Show by the Navy… yeah, that’s right, the Navy. In fact, the only talent able to referee these games is Vince Lombardi himself.

Wait a second.

I just realized this is already a school like this, called IMG Acadmey and I could have gone there all along.

Oh well. 

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