Have you ever thought about going ice skating?…Don’t.

My friends and I had the great idea of ice skating in the Rockville Town Square rink in December. You would think, “what a fun activity. Well, I didn’t consider the consequences. See, I got there, put on my skates, and” I tried to stand up and then immediately regretted it. I felt like a toddler trying on my mom’s heels that were way too big for me to keep my balance.

I walked towards the ice rink and wondered why it was a good idea to come because it seemed to be an embarrassing accident waiting to happen. I had to hold my friend’s hand for half the time to avoid falling on my face, but then, she had this amazing idea of speeding up on her skates, dragging my unbalanced self behind.  I was always just two seconds away from scraping the ice with my face…and eventually, I did.

As I laid there, sprawled out on the ice, with faster, better little kids skating circles around me, I wondered why I’m such a terrible skater.  So based on the glorious five seconds where I was able to skate before falling, I find myself qualified to give the less experienced (such as yourself) tips on this mystical art.

So in my experience, here are some things you should NOT do while skating!  (Because clearly, I don’t know what you should do).

TIP #1: DO NOT GRAB ON TO A RANDOM PERSON IF YOU’RE GOING TO FALL

While I know it can be tempting to grab the first thing in sight when you feel you’re going to fall, grabbing on to a random kid for support was a very bad idea (his mom agreed with the way she glared at me).  It’s also probably illegal (Mrs. Smith, please don’t sue me for knocking Sammy over).  Anyways, the point is, the person—or four-year-old kid—could fall over with you, but luckily, in my case, they were a good skater.

TIP #2: DO NOT WEAR ANKLE SOCKS

It’s probably very difficult to tell, but I had not been ice skating for a while and I forgot the PAIN of it. Please, please always wear long, thick socks when you go ice skating.  Anything other than long, thick socks will leave you with the most excruciatingly painful blister on every inch of your foot.

TIP #3: DON’T JUMP WITH YOUR SKATES ON

You may feel confident that you can keep your balance and stand up on your skates, but please don’t be stupid enough to start jumping with them on. You will regret it when your ankle decides to bend 90 degrees to the side and you fall over.

TIP #4: DON’T WEAR SHORTS

Luckily I wasn’t stupid enough to fall victim to this grave error. I witnessed some idiot wearing shorts fall and scrape her knee—on ice! Now, if you can imagine the pain of scraping your knee on ice, then I shall say no more. But, for those who cannot, I can only describe it as icy, hot cream on an open wound

TIP #5: TIGHTEN YOUR LACES—AND TIGHTEN THEM SOME MORE

I hope this one is common sense to my loyal readers, but this is the most important to me because tightening your laces is very important to prevent your ice skates from wobbling or being too loose.  Loose skates = smashed face.

I hope my tips can help you and any new skaters out there.  If you just want to go for the experience and fun, please don’t let what I say scare you.  Remember to be safe, have fun, and DON’T grab onto an unsuspecting kid in your vicinity!