Thanksgiving is a time of thanks obviously, but it also means seeing family… the family you see exactly once a year, every year.

There are always those relatives that you see on the holidays and they say, “We gotta keep in touch this year.” Yeah okay, I will believe it when I see it.

You also have the relatives who lie to make you feel better. “Gabe you’ve gotten so tall!” WOMAN, WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS? I AM 5’5 WITH AIR BUBBLED SHOES! STOP LYING!

Sorry I lost my cool. So you don’t lose YOUR cool when you experience these relatives, I think it is only appropriate that I send you off into Thanks (insert ‘Gabe’ here) giving by preparing you for the stereotypes of people you will see this week around your table.

First, there are the aunts who kiss you excessively with the lipstick they picked up from Macy’s. Okay, as a general rule, I don’t like lipstick on my face. I just can’t kiss anyone if they’re wearing lipstick, and I won’t allow them to kiss me. Not to mention that this lady is more than 60 years old and married. One of these days, I will indeed dodge a kiss and be excommunicated from the family, but so will the rest of my generation. So it’s all good.

Second, you will see your other aunt who tries to one-up everyone else attending. This woman won’t let anyone have anything to themselves. If half of what she says is true, then she’s done everything and she did it better than you did.  You could be watching Thanksgiving football and she will interject, “You know I once threw touchdown passes in the NFL.” TO WHO? GEORGE WASHINGTON? This is the lady who will one-up everyone ten times before the end of the night. Good luck, friends.

Also there’s the uncle who eats… and eats… and, yup, eats! This is the family member that will have seven servings, then take the scraps in a ziploc bag for when he gets home. This is the same guy who eats the pie and then frames me (I swear, I only had one slice!). You can identify this uncle easily because he will be eyeing your plate every five minutes and saying, “You gon’ eat that meat, boy?”

Oh, and don’t forget about that cousin whom nobody has seen in ten years but takes a plate with him and then “goes to the store.” He told me we were playing hide and seek when I was five… Man, he is good at that game because I haven’t seen him since!

How about the guy who is “related” to you, but is really just a friend whose family can’t cook. This guy often has the least amount of manners, laughs at jokes late, spits when he talks AND keeps changing the channel from the game to some random television show from 1985. First, if you don’t have manners, I don’t want to associate with you. Second, if you’re going to laugh at the joke, please, please, please laugh when everyone else does. People who laugh after everyone often end up like your Thanksgiving turkey… roasted.

Lastly, and there’s absolutely no avoiding these relatives: YOUR PARENTS. These are the family members who will somehow be treating you the best they ever have because THEIR parents are present. They will brag about you to everyone within a five-mile radius for this one night only, when at home you are made out to be a slacker who is always on your phone. Parents can be so fake at these events. It actually makes me cry when they switch it up.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that Thanksgiving is a holiday full of stereotypical family members, but also a great time of thanks and happiness.  I, for one, am thankful to have written more columns than Hezekiah and MK have combined.  Just like that turkey, they’re going to be roasted in next week’s column war!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!