Would you rather walk 20 miles or ride public transportation?

I would rather walk. Well, not really, I just HATE the bus. I breathe like a dragon just from going up a flight of steps. Could you imagine me walking 20 miles? Somebody call an ambulance.

Now, I wouldn’t have to go through the torture of walking if people weren’t such idiots. I mean, bus etiquette honestly is not that hard. Just don’t be a complete donkey and you’ll do just fine. If you’re sitting here reading this, in your head, you’re like, “That’s not me. I know good bus etiquette. I was raised right.” It is you. You don’t. You weren’t. You are a donkey.

But don’t worry, I’m going to help you and get you right.

First things first, if you are going to listen to music, BRING HEADPHONES. PLEASE. I cannot stand when people just blast their music through a Bluetooth speaker or their phone. Don’t subject others to the trash you call music, you uncultured swine.

That takes me to the next thing: talking on the phone. I get that you get a phone call and you gotta answer it, but do we really have to hear about how Jamal did your home-girl dirty and how dumb she is for taking him back for the ninth time? No, we don’t. Well, I’m a little nosy, so I might want to hear a little bit, but keep it to a five-minute minimum. Thanks!

Next, people putting their bags in the seat next to them when the bus is clearly crowded. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have seen an empty seat on a crowded bus and praised the lord as I made my way over, only to see a big, fat bag occupying it.

Now, I barely pay attention in school, but I DID learn that bags are inanimate objects and shouldn’t be treated like a person–unless it’s like, Gucci or something. Then, by all means, use this seat, your majesty, my peasant behind is not worthy. But, seriously, if the bus is crowded and you’re hogging the last seat with your bag, you deserve to make a bowl of cereal only to find out there’s no milk after you’ve already poured the cereal into the bowl, for the rest of your life.

I said what I said.

Last, but DEFINITELY not least, BO. I get that everyone can’t be smelling like a rose every second of every day, but if you know you’re going to be in close proximity of lots of people, please shower beforehand. Seriously. No one wants to smell musty cheese and month-old mayonnaise that’s been out in the hot sun for a week. And if you just hate showers for whatever reason, invest in some perfume.

Buy a bottle of perfume, save a nose.

Ha, that’s my new slogan!

Happy riding!