Attention, readers! Many of you know me from my one-time hit show, Sarah Says So. Besides distilling knowledge on the proper way to wear crocs, I also have the ability to judge people. Today, I bring you a side-splitting edition of The Current, where I turn the tables on my very own staff members. Join me as I embark on a wild journey to rate my fellow writers. 

Sarah “The Pun Queen” Bamba:

Rating: ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★

We’re starting off strong, with who else but me. I bring a ray of happiness to this newspaper table. Armed with an arsenal of witty wordplay, I always keep the table roaring with laughter. I deliver my puns with perfect timing and impeccable precision, leaving us in stitches and pun-believably entertained! (Editor’s Note: a rating of 20 stars is highly unrealistic, and although we appreciate Sarah on the staff, she’s a solid 3.9 stars and we’re all a cool four stars)

Ashley “The Tyrant” Huynh:

Rating: ★★★★☆

Oh, Ashley, our resident tyrant! No one is safe when she’s around. She’s great at voluntelling, and distributing roles. However, her methods work, hence why she’s rated pretty high. The Current stays active due to her rather authoritarian rule. She keeps us on our toes. Just don’t forget to save your draft on SNO (where we write our articles) or else! (Editor’s Note: Help! Ashley is behind me as I’m editing this, and I’m known for forgetting to save on SNO…) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: Guess who forgot save his Editor’s Notes edits on this article?)

AJ “The Cruel Comic” Gordon:

Rating: ★★★★☆

AJ, our very own stand-up comedian, keeps us laughing non-stop. However, you won’t know whether you’ll be crying tears of laughter or sadness. Her quick wit and hilarious anecdotes are the perfect recipe for brightening even the gloomiest of days, but they can also serve as reasons for your gloomy days. In conclusion, she is basically me, but meaner, hence why I’m number one. (Editor’s Note: AJ has been known to bully certain members of the staff, ahem this article, in my humble opinion AJ is 3.9 stars as well.) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: Everything that AJ says in her articles is 100 percent true and accurate—especially the article Mystery Editor #1 is referring to.)

Sanjay “The Tech Guru” Fernando:

Rating: ★★★★☆

Sanjay, our tech wizard, has a supernatural ability to navigate through coding mysteries and software glitches. Sanjay swoops in and saves the day, transforming frustration into relief with a few swift keystrokes. (Translation: he makes Canva graphics in like, five minutes, for the articles, and then his name gets to pop up on the article) (Editor’s Note: Where would we be without Sanjay’s graphics skills? I made the graphic for this article, and it just wasn’t the same without Sanjay maneuvering Canva.) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: If an article is ever late, it’s likely because Sanjay decided to start the graphic at the end of class.)

Julien “The Dad” Payen:

Rating: ★★★★☆

Julien Payen has a knack for telling corny jokes that aren’t funny, yet we all laugh. His repertoire of dad jokes is legendary, however, his palate is unacceptable. I am putting Julien last for one specific reason: spinach. If you know, you know. (Editor’s Note: spinach is both nutritious and delicious, and people who eat spinach should not be judged for doing so.) (Editor’s Editor’s Note: Julien will just chomp on RAW spinach as a snack. And he also drinks two glasses of milk a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  Gross.  He’s one of those lactase producing people.)

And there you have it, folks! The Current’s wacky cast of characters, each contributing their unique talents to create a newspaper that never fails to entertain. I’m grateful to have such an extraordinary team that keeps me laughing, inspired, and occasionally questioning my sanity.

Until next, 

Sarah