When the zombie apocalypse happens (and it will), we would be the last man-children standing.

Five seasons of The Walking Dead and Zombieland have more than prepared us to survive absolutely anything that can happen when the zombies rise against humanity.

First, we wouldn’t have to worry about going on runs for food because we have already stocked our basements with endless cans of Spaghetti O’s (with the meatballs), millions of bottles of Fanta (strawberry) and Mr. Pibb, and 450.25 family-sized bags of cool ranch Doritos.  The apocalypse can begin any day now because we are ready.

We also set up traps in our houses, so don’t even think about stealing our stuff. Those are OUR Spaghetti O’s (with the meatballs), bottles of strawberry Fanta, and 450.25 family-sized bags of cool ranch Doritos.  Hands off!

You may be asking, “What will you do for power?” Well, we actually don’t have a plan for that yet. But it doesn’t matter because we have God’s great sun and seven of those flat, disk-looking batteries you find in McDonald’s toys.  Those should last us a while.

Eventually, we know we will have to spread our wings and leave the nest, but we have enough supplies to wait until after the first onslaught of zombies is over.  Then, using our Call of Duty zombie killing skills (we’re really good at the game.  It can’t be that different in real life, can it?), we will fight our way to Paradise Falls, where we will wait out the rest of the apocalypse.

“But Tyler and Ajay, what will you do for weapons?  How will you kill the zombies?”  Good questions.  We don’t have a plan for that yet either, but we do have four plastic spoons and a few knives we found across the street at Dollar Tree. That should be enough to kill the zombies, right?

With no one left on the planet but us, we will then make our way to DC and infiltrate the White House. After killing all of the Secret Service zombies (with our plastic knives), we’ll get through the defenses and lock ourselves in to the fortress that is the White House War Room.  Being the sole living residents of the White House means we’d be the Presidents of the United States of America.  Actually, assuming the zombie epidemic is worldwide, we’d probably be the Presidents of Earth.

Using our new-found power, we would pass our first official decree to ban all clothing, because we’re in an apocalypse, who needs clothes?  We’ll fight the remaining zombies the way we came into this world: naked and screaming. But we’ll keep shoes.  Shoes will be mandatory because nobody needs tetanus in a post-zombie world.

Unfortunately, as the new Presidents of Planet Earth, we are more important than the other survivors and therefore have to save our food rations for ourselves.  Unless you’re a girl. If you are a girl, you are welcome to come share our Spaghetti-Os (with the meatballs).

But not the Doritos.  Those are off-limits no matter who you are.