The year is 2026, you fumble in your pockets to reach for your phone. You find an old KN95 from the previous years. You are suddenly reminded of Covid-19 and the years of suffering and pain it marked. You pause and think to yourself about how different life was back then. You step out the door traveling into the barren wasteland covered in rubble and ash as the screams of those who remain are blurred out by the crackling of fire. How did we get here? How did we arrive at the desolate void of what is left of society?

It all began with Wawa. Poolesville High School became a Wawa, one of America’s greatest convenience stores/gas stations. People were riddled with befuddlement; who in their right mind would replace a high school with a gas station? Surprisingly this was one of the least confusing choices that would be made this school year. A great deal of controversy surrounded the Wawa, leading to the Wawa V. Sheetz Riots (2022). Many believed Sheetz should replace the Wawa leading to the entire building being burnt down in a fiery rage.

Post secession (which completely, non-satirically happened. Don’t @me), Watkins Mill High School somewhat thrived relative to the rest of the schools in the county. The school was a utopia up until the self-driving buses. Turns out these ‘buses’ were actually transformers (like the Michael Bay movies, not electrical transformers) that locked every single kid in the building for weeks. Not the worst thing that’s happened this year though!

The next couple of events were very clearly the effects of global warming, but it was really just Jeff Bezos’ fault. The Rockville ‘rock’ slide (that’s a good one) shifted the entire tectonic plates of Maryland, causing the disastrous Springbrook High School Tsunami of ‘22. Do not ask how a tsunami hit Springbrook but nowhere else, I genuinely don’t even know where that school was. Then, all of a sudden Richard Montgomery High School exploded. Yup, an explosion. Just exploded. Nothing really crazy. 

Phew. That was a lot to take in and we barely just started. Let’s take a break and remember all the good stuff that happened this year; I’ll begin with–

Okay, Back to it! Wootton High School exploded, but this time it was because RMHS exploded. A big line of matches that makes a funny face connects WHS and RMHS, but it was so big that it took a couple days for it to reach. It kind of looked like this

Wheaton High School exploded too, but this time because of capybaras. No, I’m not explaining why or how you literally just have to trust me on this one. 

Clarksburg High School was actually built on a million-year-old dormant volcano that was awoken because we have angered the council of fate. It was crazy for real. I was actually there when it happened. It just came out of nowhere, exploded, then disappeared like some dude that you’ve seen come to school once and never saw him again.

Churchill High School became a church for some reason. Practitioners slowly took over the school and silently kicked all the students out, some even going missing. Rumor has it that if you go to this building between 2 AM and 4 AM you will never return. I don’t know though I’ve never been, it’s too scary. Almost as scary as the ever constant threat of death that is inescapable.

Another geological event that was the consequence of Jeff Bezos’ death grip on online shopping was the Gaithersburg alien invasion. The tectonic plates under Gaithersburg shattered so hard that it tore a big hole in the ground. Very unsurprisingly, there were aliens hiding near the Earth’s core and they were released like a swarm of cicadas. All of a sudden Men In Black came to the rescue, just like the Men In Black movies! They wiped out all those crazy aliens and erased everyone’s memories. No one will remember. No one will remember. No one will remember.

What happened? Where am I? Blacked out for a second there. Oh right, the article. I don’t think anything happened to Gaithersburg High School; it kinda just vanished. Elon Musk, crazy guy am I right? Anyone remember when he bought Twitter that one day for $44 Billion, what a NERDDDD. He should’ve put that money into buying a gym membership or something! Anyways, Walter Johnson High School was launched into space for Musk’s space program. It was never seen again. Maybe not the worst thing a rich white guy has done with his money.

Northwood High School was actually found out to be in the south, relative to most of the MCPS schools so they completed demolished that school. It turned into some Mad Max type wasteland and now you can go there and watch people fight over old 7/11 slurpee cup lids. Unrelated to Northwood, Northwest High School was also demolished but this time because the school’s mascot would not stop beating kids up. I went there once and it was like every corner you turned that Jaguar was just there, watching you menacingly.

Walt Whitman High School experienced several months of a bad water supply. You would’ve thought that they’d have fixed it after the first couple of days but nobody knew how to even get to this school or where they were. Everyone just forgot about this school eventually.

Damascus High School was removed accidentally when the government surgically removed Florida from the rest of the United States. No one is sure how this mistake was made, but I mean, was it really a mistake though?

BCC High School (uh the name was too long to spell out, not like anyone says the full name anyways) was actually vaporized from the face of the Earth in an effort to stop climate change. It didn’t really work out so scientists targeted Quince Orchard High School. Once vaporized, the ghost of Robert ‘Quince Orchard’ Stevens haunted the world for the rest of eternity. His ghost still haunts the dreams of everyone today. If you see a man with a red umbrella in your dreams, do not approach him.

Blair and Blake became banana bounce houses due to a 500-year-old curse that connected the schools. ‘What’s a banana bounce house?’ you may ask. Well, no one is really sure why but all of a sudden millions of bananas began flooding the schools and the walls, floors, and ceilings all became super bouncy. Instead of actually fixing the problem and finding a wizard or something to revert the curse, MCPS decided to profit off of the Blair and Blake banana bounce house and charge a $20 entry fee. Boring.

Paint Branch High School experienced a magnitude 13 earthquake, unsurprisingly as a result of rich white dudes who like to spend their money on shooting themselves into space rather than actually helping society global warming.

John F. Kennedy High School is actually a part of a huge conspiracy. The government was trying to erase any presence of JFK ever because they are very obviously responsible for the assassination of him. They’re trying to say that he never existed and they simply just skipped straight to the 36th president of the United States. I’m actually one of the only people who retains this information and I’m currently on the run! If you’re reading this, forget this information right now.

Somehow someone somewhere let me become the SGA president for Magruder High School, Sherwood High School, Einstein High School, and Seneca Valley High School. I think it was because I’m 6 feet tall and 250 lbs of pure muscle so my mere presence scared the principals of the respective schools. I digress. Back then I was a silly little guy and I thought that there were way too many schools so I decided to erase them all from existence. I didn’t like the way they looked. Totally not cause I ran out of ideas of how to write off the other schools for this article.

Crown High School is still planned to be built. I pray for its future.

Anyways, what a fun couple of school years am I right fellas? Crazy how this wasn’t even the worst things that happened those years! 😀

Editor’s Note: Do we really still have to explain that Josh writes satire? Honestly, if you believe or are offended by any of this at this point, that’s on you.