Okay, I guess some people didn’t really understand if a previous article was satire or not. I understand the confusion, so I’ve come to clear some things up. Who knows for real? I mean take it as you will, honestly. My articles are open to interpretation, just like Inception.

Now that we have that out of the way, the staff shortage, am I right? That’s crazy.

Montgomery County Public School officials originally requested the National Guard to fill in for the shortage of bus drivers due to the increase of absences for Covid-19 related reasons. This measure was denied due to National Guard members already helping with Covid-19 vaccination sites and testing. Unfortunately, this means we have no bus drivers, but don’t worry, I have solutions to all staff shortages.

We could actually replace all bus routes that don’t have drivers with self-driving buses, or automated robots who know all the routes. Not only is it totally efficient, but they don’t have the risk of contracting a virus. Or at least not Covid. I guess a computer virus could make them go nuts and kill everyone on board. But it keeps schools open and Elon Musk totally has it all figured out with those crazy self-driving Tesla models. No one who has that much money could be wrong, right?

Or if you want more human drivers, I suggest just letting the first kid on the bus drive it. They are there first so they can call dibs, and who cares if that kid only happens to be like five years old or something, it’s good practice. Totally worth it as long as schools stay open.

Bus drivers aren’t the only ones experiencing staff shortages, teachers are too. Another great idea would be to replace English teachers with dead poet Edgar Allen Poe. You can teach students old English, poetry, and how to summon a ghost. I mean, maybe you might accidentally summon a demon or something like that, but they can learn from it, and that’s what schools are all about. That’s three birds with one (very sketchy) stone! He’s even from Maryland, so it’s not that far of a drive to dig up his skeleton. We can call it a field trip.

Maybe we could also hire that shadowy guy with the glowing red eyes that I see in my room at night to teach math classes. Yes, he will teach all of them. He’s pretty good at math and I literally see him everywhere all the time. Plus, he can scare kids into doing their homework, I know he does that to me. Despite this, he has never once caused me harm or distress in any way. I swear.

For all science classes, we could get a bunch of anti-vaxxers and flat-earthers to teach since they apparently know so much about the subject.  Not only do those people talk a lot, but they’re pretty funny too. They never fail to make me laugh. Granted, I was laughing out of awkwardness and confusion most of the time. But schools will be open and you can be sure they won’t be teaching critical race theory.

I mean, instead of going through all this trouble we could also just make schools virtual. You wouldn’t have to worry about stranding your students who don’t have any transportation due to the bus shortage. You also wouldn’t have to worry about risking the health of students, staff, and the families they go back to. I don’t know though, just a thought!

Editor’s Note: If you can’t figure out that this one is satire, you might need to go back to the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe’s English class. He’ll explain it all.