Many people have been unhappy with the way Montgomery County has been running things lately, so I propose a solution. Convert MoCo to an absolute monarchy, run by the most qualified and obvious candidate, me. Here are my policies if I were to be instated as king.

Everyone gets a free cat, if you’re allergic, deal with it. 

Sorry not sorry to the dog people.

All burger joints except for Five Guys are closed, and the prices are increased by 240%

Yeah, now I’d love to hear about how you love Five Guys but it’s too expensive.

Student Member of the Board no longer exists, actually, just get rid of the whole Board of Education, not much would change.

I mean really, it’s like our county just makes decisions with a coin toss.

Five Nights at Freddy’s timeline explanation class, required to graduate high school.

For the new fake fans.

All bald people are given free wigs, no more bald people.

I don’t care if you can make it work. (Sorry Mr. Funk.)

No more computers, we’re going back to stone tablets and chisels. 

No more pesky emails to respond to.

Watkins Mill High School is converted into a Bounce-U.

If the county truly cared about its students’ mental health, we would be bouncing around right now.

Colored pencils are banned, markers only. 

A cheap marker will always be better than a cheap colored pencil.

Socks and sandals are banned.

Another alteration for the student’s mental health.

Defunding the safety patrol in all K-5 schools. 

Removing as many corrupt institutions as I can.

All schools get new basketballs. I swear, there’s never enough.

There’s always like four kids sitting under the basket fighting for their life to get a rebound.

Freshmen are banned.

No further explanation.

The boy’s bathrooms will have steel-reinforced soap dispensers.

What do they get out of ripping them off the walls? I’m genuinely curious.

Everyone has to be a cyborg, it’s cool. 

Imagine if you had a robot arm, why would anyone NOT want this.

Everyone is prescribed a modest, 1 hour of daily Playboicarti listening time.

No, it isn’t “weird” that he dresses like a vampire.

Happiness is illegal.

If I can’t be happy no one can.

Once a month, a random citizen will be chosen to be Batman for a week. (No, they do not get rich)

To make up for the lack of safety patrol.

Ryleigh goes to jail.

No more graphics.

Poetry is illegal.

Just say what you mean, no more metaphors!

March 15 becomes a holiday.

As monarch, my birthday obviously should be celebrated county-wide, ideally nationwide.

With these policies, I just know I’ll win the next election in a landslide, how could any resist free cats and cyborg arms?

Editor’s Note: This article is satire. If Sanjay becomes king, everyone will receive a dog.