Why get a real vaccine card when you can get a fake one?


Joshua Burgos

Michael Quintanilla poses with a totally real vaccination card, absolutely real, with nothing suspicious about it at all.

*Disclaimer: This article is satire. The Current encourages you to get vaccinated. Under no circumstance should you fake your vaccine card.*

Afraid of needles, don’t trust the government, think COVID-19 is fake? Just get a fake vaccine card.

People are torn about getting vaccinated with businesses implementing the need for proof of vaccination, the resurgence of restrictive guidelines, and the Delta variant. To get vaccinated or to not get vaccinated? Totally up to you. You should probably, most definitely, get vaccinated if you aren’t.

Though let’s say, for some odd reason, you don’t want to. Maybe you think Bill Gates will be putting a microchip in your arm. Maybe you think it’ll make you turn into Bigfoot and you’ll be left roaming the forests while people hunt you (but you won’t have Covid at least). Maybe you think it’ll cause infertility–which, let’s be honest, would save you a ton of money on birth control.

The perfect solution is a fake vaccine card. The card itself is literally writing on a piece of paper that says you are vaccinated. So why not fake it? Super simple solution to all of your problems. You don’t have to stick the treacherous needle in you, and you don’t have to get the scary government tracking serum injected into your veins.

Getting a fake vaccine card is more complicated than actually getting vaccinated, but again, your call. Monkeys aren’t vaccinated so why should people get vaccinated? Monkeys don’t have any problems. Monkeys prosper.

You could also wait till the vaccine gets approved by the FDA, CDC, UMD, TTYL, LOL, LMAO, MIT, FBI, CIA, and HDR. Once all the listed organizations approve the vaccine, it becomes safe.

There are fake vaccine card dealers that will accept cash, Apple Pay, Bitcoin, and leaked Carti beats as a form of payment. I know a dealer behind the 7-Eleven in the Village Center—just tell them you know me! Another way to get a fake vaccine card is to make your own. It’s a fun way to bond with your family and a perfect activity for an illegal arts and crafts night.

Honestly, you could just make up an elaborate lie about your vaccination status. The most simple way is to tell people you are vaccinated but you left your vaccination card at home. If they persist, kick them and run away. You could also just own up to not being vaccinated, walk in mask off, and shut the whole place down. If you can’t get in why should anyone else, right?

All this trouble could be avoided if you actually went out and got vaccinated. It’s free, easy, very accessible, and there are many resources to guide you if you get lost. It helps other people, keeps your family safe, and pretty much increases our chances of returning to a somewhat normal world. That’s no fun though.

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