Ask Caleb: 2/22/21-2/26/21

Caleb Vargas, All knowing king|February 26, 2021

“Ask Caleb” is a renowned advice column. We receive several submissions, so please feel free to ask me whatever your heart desires.

Every week, hundreds and hundreds of losers much like yourself, struggle with their everyday lives. Here at Ask Caleb™, we strive to help those poor souls one question at a time. Here are this week’s questions!

Dear Caleb, Does size matter?

Dear asker, depends what we’re talking about here. If we’re talking about shoes, yes definitely buy ones that fit you.

Keep it classy, keep it cool, Caleb.

Hello Caleb! I need your help with this situation I’m in. I have two close friends, we can name them Bell and Dou. Bell has a boyfriend. We are close friends, but Dou moved to Frederick last year. One day We linked up with Dou and I saw on Dou’s phone romantic/intimate/“freaky” text messages between Dou and Bell’s boyfriend. I have suspicions that Dou and Bell’s BF are secretly meeting up and doing God knows what. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell Bell what I saw? Please help me. Signed, Kay See.

Dear Kay See, I’ll tell you what to do. Find out exactly what it is they’re doing. I mean exactly what it is, I want you to find out every excruciating detail. Then, confront them, really hit em with it. When they finally confess, ask if you can join in ?‍. Keep it classy, keep it cool, Caleb.

Hello Caleb 🙂 I’m in a predicament. my boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have a shared dream of going to Stanford together. He already committed to Stanford. However, I didn’t get in. He is so sure that I got into Stanford, he even decorated my car Stanford theme and bought me a lot of merch. I can’t bring it to myself to tell him that I got rejected to our dream school. We do have a backup plan in place just in case, where I would go to Berkeley instead so we can still be an hour away from each other. I got accepted to Berkeley, but I visited NYU with my best friend and my old friend, and I kinda fell in love with NYU and the city. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break his heart, this is our dream together. And I’m scared of what having a long distance relationship will do to us. I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do. Pls help me? Signed, Jean Laura.

Dear Jean Laura, hey I think I’ve seen you in the hallways before, you’re kinda cute. Tell you what, ditch your meerkat-looking boyfriend and hang out with me instead, I’m like 10x cooler, and you won’t have to worry about me getting into any fancy colleges. Hope this helps! Keep it classy, keep it cool, Caleb.

Dear Caleb, how do you find the limit of a function? Signed Bishu Bishu

Dear Bishu Bishu, this is exactly what you get for switching out of newspaper, I hope you never learn how to find the limit of a function. In fact, I hope the function you’re looking at doesn’t even have limits, and you spend the rest of your days aimlessly looking for a limit that does not exist. Keep it classy, keep it cool, Caleb.

Dear Caleb, how do you deal with annoying people?? More specifically people like Caleb…

Dear Grace (Can I call you Grace?? I know this is Grace…), jealousy is a nasty thing; I really hope you get help. I understand that seeing the greatness others have achieved can sometimes leave you feeling upset, taking it out on others is never the right way to deal with these emotions. Might I suggest you pick up a hobby? Try woodworking, or fishing, it’s good for the brain. I hope you are able to find peace within yourself. Keep it classy, keep it cool, Caleb.

Dear Caleb, what should my senior quote be?