The Current

Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

Hezekiah Likekele

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






The man. The myth. The legend. He is David Sampselle.

Time Magazine voted him the World’s Oldest Man, holding the record for a strong 38,243,999 years in a row.

As he decides to bring his teaching chapter to an end this year, let’s shortly summarize Sampselle’s most infamous teaching moments.

The year is 2187 BC: Sampselle hunts his own food while approaching his first teaching job at Big Rock High. How’d he get the job? He was so sarcastic that everyone confused it for genius. He carves lessons into the cave walls while kids toss the rock around.

Next, he’s Cairo’s very best teacher. He remembers when the ancient Egyptians created paper and thought it would have been better using camel skin, even though this method brought the humped mammals to brink of extinction. It’s because of him that the name went from the original term “cairoglyphics” to “hieroglyphic,” because he thought it was stupid.

Some time passes and he’s the head dean of Stratford Grammar School. What’s so special about this school? Well, he was in charge of proofreading the works of the class clown, William Shakespeare.

July 4, 1776, the United States Declaration of Independence was signed. David Sampselle was in charge of rewriting it 13 times because the colonies were widely illiterate, and only he could decipher the text so they could understand. By this age, he’d already developed enough skin to hold writing utensils in his neck folds, so this was not a challenging task.

March 1, 1965, Sampselle helped organize the Selma march. He was MLK’s good friend and a fan of his well-written sermons. He even offered to write one for him, but MLK said he was fine on his own.

The Current interviewed Sampselle to find out the secret to living such a long, healthy, and successful life, Sampselle simply responded, “alcohol.” When asked which kind and he said, “rubbing.”

Now we’ve reached the present. As Sampselle drones on about the English language, students draw up hypotheses on how their favorite English teacher is really an alien who transcends space and time.

What’s next for Sampselle? The world may never know. He’s too unpredictable. But every Watkins Mill student can say they appreciated his time here and wish him the best of luck to him in his coming retirement!

 

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

2 Comments

2 Responses to “Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career”

  1. Jwoyal on May 11th, 2018 12:56 pm

    10/10 article

    [Reply]

  2. Jenny (Levy) Werwa on May 17th, 2018 8:20 am

    Great article and tribute! Mr. Sampselle managed to make high school simultaneously harder and less complicated.

    Thank you,
    Jenny (Levy) Werwa ’97

    [Reply]

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




Navigate Right
Navigate Left
  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Senior reflection: Salekri Sayeh

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    NBA salaries not always linked to talent, as Cleveland Cavaliers prove

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Junior recounts brush with demon who lives in her room

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Janice’s tips for improving grades aren’t a scam, they actually work

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    College visits provide helpful insight into selecting a school

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Lucas would have written his column sooner, but senioritis set in

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Dress code: is there one? And if so, where?

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    The Salaend: Sal reflects on four years of high school sports, former goon status

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Seasonal arcs may be painful to wait for, but they’re better than filler

  • Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

    Columns

    Think your data is safe? Think again

Social Media Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






The student news site of Watkins Mill High School
Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career