The Current

Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

Back to Article
Back to Article

Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career

Hezekiah Likekele

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.

Email This Story

The man. The myth. The legend. He is David Sampselle.

Time Magazine voted him the World’s Oldest Man, holding the record for a strong 38,243,999 years in a row.

As he decides to bring his teaching chapter to an end this year, let’s shortly summarize Sampselle’s most infamous teaching moments.

The year is 2187 BC: Sampselle hunts his own food while approaching his first teaching job at Big Rock High. How’d he get the job? He was so sarcastic that everyone confused it for genius. He carves lessons into the cave walls while kids toss the rock around.

Next, he’s Cairo’s very best teacher. He remembers when the ancient Egyptians created paper and thought it would have been better using camel skin, even though this method brought the humped mammals to brink of extinction. It’s because of him that the name went from the original term “cairoglyphics” to “hieroglyphic,” because he thought it was stupid.

Some time passes and he’s the head dean of Stratford Grammar School. What’s so special about this school? Well, he was in charge of proofreading the works of the class clown, William Shakespeare.

July 4, 1776, the United States Declaration of Independence was signed. David Sampselle was in charge of rewriting it 13 times because the colonies were widely illiterate, and only he could decipher the text so they could understand. By this age, he’d already developed enough skin to hold writing utensils in his neck folds, so this was not a challenging task.

March 1, 1965, Sampselle helped organize the Selma march. He was MLK’s good friend and a fan of his well-written sermons. He even offered to write one for him, but MLK said he was fine on his own.

The Current interviewed Sampselle to find out the secret to living such a long, healthy, and successful life, Sampselle simply responded, “alcohol.” When asked which kind and he said, “rubbing.”

Now we’ve reached the present. As Sampselle drones on about the English language, students draw up hypotheses on how their favorite English teacher is really an alien who transcends space and time.

What’s next for Sampselle? The world may never know. He’s too unpredictable. But every Watkins Mill student can say they appreciated his time here and wish him the best of luck to him in his coming retirement!


Print Friendly, PDF & Email
About the Writer
Hezekiah Likekele, News Editor

Hezekiah Likekele is a junior writer for Watkins Mill High School Current. He is primarily a sports writer but can also be a great addition for news and...


2 Responses to “Farewell Sampselle: ancient English teacher retiring after multi-millennia career”

  1. Jwoyal on May 11th, 2018 12:56 pm

    10/10 article

  2. Jenny (Levy) Werwa on May 17th, 2018 8:20 am

    Great article and tribute! Mr. Sampselle managed to make high school simultaneously harder and less complicated.

    Thank you,
    Jenny (Levy) Werwa ’97

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.