Turtles, birds and racist slurs, oh my! DC area football teams live up to their names

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Turtles, birds and racist slurs, oh my! DC area football teams live up to their names

Gabriel Leonard

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Want to hear a joke?

Terrapins, Ravens, and Redskins.

That’s it.  That’s the joke.  The Maryland and DC football mascots.

Let’s start with the Maryland Terrapins. First of all, we are named after a freaking turtle. It really does make me cry sometimes. As tough as we try to make the team look, they are still a coastal turtle who often ends up as lunch in their natural habitats.

I just don’t think anyone in the Big Ten is shivering when we say “#FearTheTurtle.” Which is hard to believe because the animal is just so fierce and strong, not to mention how fast turtles are. Man look at them go!

What about those… Wait am I allowed to say the name?

Well anyway how about those… Redskins?  

It’s pretty funny that people blog about the team but refuse to say the name.  You know what else is funny? Racism!

Wait, racism isn’t funny? Then why does this name still exist? Would you make a team name out of any other skin color? I don’t care how you spin it, the name is racist. The owner says the name has tradition, and he is right. Every racist action in the history of this country would be where that tradition came from.  The team already plays like a joke, adding the name in just makes it a racist joke.

Okay next team.

I WOULD rant about the Ravens, but they barely play football anymore. The only one I can stand by with this team is kicker Justin Tucker (thanks for the extra ten fantasy points, bro).

How can one Harbaugh brother fail so much while the other thrives at Michigan. Oh well, that’s what happens when your mascot is named after a poem.  Not-so-fun fact: the poet Edgar Allen Poe wrote the poem inspiring the team name. The Ravens’ three mascots are named Edgar, Allen and… wait for it… Poe.

Ravens are just annoying, which is probably actually an appropriate mascot for the team in that case. They don’t DO anything interesting.  All they do is make noise, eat and fly–kind of like me… without the flying part of course.  Maybe I should be a mascot.  It would make more sense than a raven.

Well what have we learned about our football teams? Bad names somehow don’t translate to wins.

Never saw that one coming.

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