Stop being broke, get rich quick with Heze’s foolproof plan

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Stop being broke, get rich quick with Heze’s foolproof plan

Hezekiah Likekele

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In this day and age, there are a couple standards of wealth: poor, broke, eh, middle class poor, middle class, middle class rich, just plain old rich, ‘hey you got money,’ and stupid wealthy.

In the words of Douglas Brooks, “I ain’t rich but I know I ain’t poor.” Which would put me in the broke column.

I’m actually probably more in the “middle class poor” section but I have to exaggerate it, so I’m “broke.” I’m so broke that if someone were to rob my house for money, I’d help them look ’cause I need it too.

I’m so broke, I have a Dollar Tree Lifetime Rewards Card (which is actually pretty cool, give it a try).

I’m so broke when I run out of lunch money, I walk to Costco to try all the free samples, then put on another outfit so they can’t recognize me and do it all over again about five times in a row.

Now I didn’t just come here to brag about my brokeness,  I’ve come up with the ultimate plan for those in the same boat as me (the broke boat).

So my overall scheme is to become a rapper/singer. Now I’m not talking about you lame SoundCloud rappers whose songs are two minutes and 30 seconds long, the intro and outro take up 30 seconds, the chorus is repeated four times, leaving that last 30 seconds full of pathetic “rapping” with no rhythm, meaning, bars, or flow. Those rappers are bad, but I’m talking really bad. I mean you have to be absolutely terrible.  

So terrible that it’s almost considered comedy. The type of song that you see on Twitter and laugh like a Windex bottle for five minutes and then share to your group chat only for no one to respond but laugh at it in person for the next week. If you need an example, reference IceJJFish.

Once you have gotten your clout up (you get a lot of attention), you see the money start to flow in. You make videos on YouTube and your horrendousness causes more traffic to your page, which will then turn into more ads played which also leads to free endorsements, vacations paid for you, and more money in your pockets. If you’re absolutely terrible, there’s a good chance you’ll blow up overnight and get an article written about you on complex.com.

Now you can’t just sing bad, you gotta act bad too. Be as problematic as possible. Make sure you stand out doing the most outlandish thing as possible. Tell Jay Z he got croissant lips in a song. Turn a Tide Pod into a vape flavor and share it with your friends. Buy a pet honey badger to show how tough you are. At this point, you’ll be on DJ Akademiks’ watch list and he’ll talk about you all the time no matter how bad you treat him.

By now you should have a whole bunch of fans and parody accounts on social media and have a decent amount of money in your bank account. Then you disappear for a while, leaving your fans to wonder where their favorite artist to make fun of has been up to, which will be right when you make a comeback with the worst album of all time and then call it quits on the rap game.

Now you’ve called it quits and should have somewhere between $150,000 and two million dollars all from what? From being the best at being the worst to ever do it and living your best life.

If you’ve read this article and followed this plan, you subconsciously agreed to a written contract saying I receive ten percent of your salary.

Go get ‘em tiger!

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