Welcome to Abijah’s Hot Takes where I go into detail about my 100% accurate opinions. Today I’ll be educating you on how to get superpowers.
Have you ever thought about having powers? Of course you have! Whether it was when you were a child or after watching that Marvel movie, we’ve all thought about it. Well today is your lucky day because I’m gonna give you my own guide into getting powers in real life.
Of course, we have to start with the classic. THE tragic accident. Any good superhero has a good backstory and nothing is better than a freak accident. Imagine if you’re walking down the street one day and then BAM! A car strikes you. Soon enough the hospital is putting you back together like Frankenstein with all their chemicals because there weren’t enough parts left after the accident. Your power is that you can now detach your limbs. How easy was that?
The next big one is the over trainer. If you like exercising, this one’s for you. To get this power you just have to work out to the maximum. After going to the gym every day for years and years and more years, your muscles will be so strong that you get two powers in one sitting! Those of course are super speed and super strength.
The next power requires you or someone you know to be filthy rich. Once this is completed, you just have to look into cutting-edge research and build the next Iron Man or Iron Woman suit (We believe in equality around here). Of course, it doesn’t have to be an Iron Man or Woman suit, it could be anything because you already have power simply by being rich.
Money is power!
The next one is the easiest of them all, radioactive animals or insects. They can be found at your local nuclear waste dump or a nuclear site. Either will work. If you don’t have access to anything radioactive, find the nearest nuclear site and go there with the animal of your choice, leave them there for about a week, and then let the animal bite you. Perfect, now you can shoot milk from your fingertips. Editors Note: Why milk?
The final way to get powers is to be blessed by any supernatural being. This is the cheapest way to get powers and all it takes is a little prayer and devotion. Just worship anything you want. It can be fried chicken, Mars, or did I hear someone say grass? Well if you want the ability to photosynthesize go for it, I guess….
All in all, this is my fast track to getting superpowers in real life. Tune in next week on why we should exterminate all geese in the area. Oh and let me know what you guys think in the comments.
