Mrs. Confino—generally awesome newspaper sponsor and #1 danger to leopard wildlife—is obsessed with leopard print.  And it’s a problem.  A big, spotty problem.  She has worn at least one article of clothing with leopard print designs (almost) every day this school year.

Today, not only is her dress leopard print but so are her sandals, her mask, water bottle, bag, sunglasses, laptop cover, and AirPods. (She should be sponsored for all this). I’m sure leopards would hug her if they saw her, thinking she’s one of them.

We’ve all tried to convince her to stop, or at least take a (much-needed) break from the leopard print with sensible, logical reasons but to no avail.  Therefore, I’ve had to resort to brainstorming some, uh, more creative means to get her to stop.  Although we know it may not work, we have to at least try.

• Break into her house and take all her leopard print items. 

At 3 am, when normal human beings are asleep, you could go through her kitchen window, upstairs to her closet, find everything leopard print, and take it. BRING SEVERAL TRASH BAGS. You have two options: you can either throw them away or burn them. Don’t be surprised if the wallpapers in her house are leopard print.  

• Find reasonable evidence saying that you support Donald Trump if you wear leopard print. 

As far as I know, Mrs. Confino isn’t a Trump supporter, but actually the exact opposite. She would not want to be labeled as a Trump supporter, so show her the headline, “Study shows that 99% of Trump supporters wear leopard print.” Honestly, if that doesn’t do the trick, I don’t know what will. She’ll run away faster than an actual leopard.

• Offer her a million dollars. 

Just my opinion, but if anyone offered me a million dollars to stop doing something, I would immediately stop. If she accepts the deal but is caught wearing leopard print again, she’ll have to pay the million dollars back. 

• Tell her about the different colors and patterns that exist. 

It’s not as if she’s ever heard of or seen other colors. 

• Fine her!

Has anyone ever reviewed Watkins Mill’s dress code? And I quote, “Employees are expected to dress professionally in clothes that are both free of holes and leopard print. Employees in violation will be fined.” All the while, Mrs. Confino has been violating the code, and no one has said anything. It’s time for the truth to shine.

I’m sure her closet is screaming for help—too many leopard print items. But honestly, who really wants Mrs. Confino to stop wearing leopard print? She’s become an icon for it, standing out from the boring old “professional” attire of the rest of the staff, but it wouldn’t hurt to try something different, would it?