Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands.

I love that joke. It never gets old. Plus it’s got a great hook.

But throwing those jokes out the window, we need to talk about the Disney princess movies. The Disney princesses are NOT alright. Between good old Walt murdering their mothers and the extensive Stockholm Syndrome, the happy endings are a lot more messed up than they seem.

To start us off, let’s take a look at Princess Ariel. She’s 16, running around practically naked the entire movie. Ariel is a spoiled brat with no home training. HELLO KING TRITON, PLEASE GROUND HER. There is absolutely no reason for her to be exploring the world by herself at 16 with only seashells covering her chest.

Also, Ursula embodies internalized misogyny. She is jealous of Ariel’s looks and influences her into giving up her voice. She tells Ariel, “The men up there [on land] don’t like a lot of blabber,” and “They think a girl who gossips is a bore.” What kind of message are we sending here?

Moving on, we have Princess Jasmine. First of all, who has a pet tiger? Those stories always end with a mauling. And the girl has zero street smarts. Don’t follow some random dude off the street to his home. What if he knew Jasmine was the princess and was purposefully trying to kidnap her for ransom?

Then she willingly gets on his magic carpet, NOT EVEN KNOWING IT’S THE SAME GUY and flies away with him to see the world. What if that was another kidnapping situation? You have to think things through first, girl. How does Jasmine not notice Aladdin when he came to the castle as Prince Ali? Did she not look at his face the entire movie? Even I would’ve noticed there was something familiar, they look exactly alike. Maybe she needs some glasses?

Princess Aurora. This movie is a train wreck. Prince Phillip was introduced to her when she was still in diapers. Then because of her curse from Maleficent, her parents decided to keep her hidden for 16 years. Supposedly, her parents tried really hard to conceive Aurora, yet they willingly gave her away for her “safety.” Sounds more like they found some free daycare.

“It’s totally not weird at all that she lives with three random old ladies in an abandoned cottage,” said no one ever. Come 16 she falls in love with this guy and finds out she can’t be with him because she’s been in an arranged marriage since birth. Her real name is actually Aurora and she had parents the entire time. I’d be pretty mad at my parents if that was me. Not to mention the rapey undertones of him kissing her while she’s unconscious. Consent matters, Phillip.

Next up Princess Tiana. Kissing frogs can give you warts you know. There are so many better ways to get a man. Licking toads also gets you high. Once again, darling, there are better ways.

Princess Merida: I am all for an independent woman not needing a man to be able to survive. However, Merida is the whole reason her mother gets turned into a bear. Merida is childish and careless with her actions throughout the whole movie. The saying, “Be careful what you wish for” really comes into play in this movie. Furthermore, she doesn’t even solve the problem herself, she resorts to magic.

Belle TECHNICALLY isn’t a princess, but she’s still considered one. And as much as I love Beauty and the Beast there is just something about this that doesn’t sit right with me. Take Gaston, for instance. He’s 36 and trying to get with a 17-year-old girl. And Belle has a huge case of Stockholm Syndrome. She literally falls in love with the beast who held her captive in exchange for her father’s freedom. Find a therapist. You have work to do.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair. Or cut it off, braid it into a rope, and climb out the tower yourself. Rapunzel was kidnapped and locked away as a child, and tricked into her kidnapper as a mother figure. Her “mother” didn’t even love her, just wanted her magical hair powers. Why didn’t her parents ever look for her? Especially in the giant suspicious tower in the woods?

Snow White is a doll truly. BUT WHY ARE YOU TAKING FOOD FROM CREEPY OLD LADIES? Not to mention she’s only 14 living with seven fully grown dwarf men. This sounds like a trafficking situation. Oh and let’s not forget what she said about her prince: “There’s nobody like him, anywhere at all.” Sweetheart, he’s a pedophile. He’s 31 and Snow White is 14! And again, a kissing an unconscious minor. Come on Disney.

Pocahontas. This movie should’ve never been made. She was not a princess nor was her life a fairy tale. Pocahontas was kidnapped, raped, and sold to a white man. She didn’t even marry John Smith, she married John Rolfe. Disney painted with all the colors of cultural appropriation.

Then there’s Cinderella. If the shoe fit perfectly how did it fall off when she ran away from the ball? Cinderella was 19 in the movie and she wasn’t necessarily poor either. She could’ve taken a few things and ran away. Her stepsisters are loaded too if she really needed money. Prince Charming is also really weird. You danced with her the entire night staring into her eyes, and you mean to tell me you don’t remember what she looks like? He could’ve gone around looking for her face but instead chose to go to every woman in the town and try and identify her by her feet.

As for Miss Mulan aside from Mushu being travel size for her convenience, (see what I did there) there is nothing wrong with the movie. This leads me to our final topic Frozen, Anna and Elsa save each other they did not need a man to do the job. Disney’s more recent princess movies such as Moana and Raya have promoted the coming together of nations and cultures, as well as female empowerment. Disney is finally promoting strong independent role models for young boys and girls in the 21st century.