I love ninjas, and I love turtles, so when I first saw Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I lost my life.

If I could be a ninja turtle, I wouldn’t waste my time fooling around and eating pizza. No, I would be the best ninja turtle there was. I’m way better than any of them.

It would be pretty cool to basically be the Hulk (but smaller and with a shell). But on top of that, I would have to make some serious adjustments to their weapons. I would have to create a huge, giant, mega robot turtle and call it the Tortuga.

I would go out into the dark abyss that is the night, with a black eye mask and brass knuckles, clobbering the bad guys, taking down any non-turtle ninjas.

Now don’t get me wrong; pizza is great, but who can deny fried chicken? That sounds like something I could live on for the rest of my life.

Then there’s Shredder. I don’t understand how he can be the turtles’ worst enemy when he is the owner of the wimpiest name ever.  What is he a kitchen utensil? No, if I was a ninja turtle, I would find a worthy opponent to fight.

Now instead of just being an ordinary ninja turtle, what I’d really love is to be more of a giant snapping turtle with an immense shell that has monumental spikes covering it. Also, I would need a big scar on the side to show everyone that I’m the toughest ninja turtle there is. I’d also sport a huge cloak that covers me so that no one could be aware of their savior’s identity. 

And if anyone found out that I was a turtle, I would have to kidnap them, erase their memories, and pull some hybrid ninja-Jedi mind trick. If anyone were to find out that I was a ninja tutle, I would be in danger. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. If the people found out that a mutant turtle was running around among the shadows, with a mask and brass knuckles, it just wouldn’t look good.

Not only would I probably be hunted down by the government, I would probably be experimented on and dissected. The government might even use me as a way to make everyone super soldiers, or just test stuff on me and see how long I can withstand it. Just nasty stuff.

So if you see a giant ninja turtle that looks like me skulking in the shadows, don’t tell anyone who I am.  I can’t save anyone from Shredder if I’m being experimented on by the government.

Turtle Power!