Love, what a splendid thing, all you need is love–so they say. But how exactly do you get someone to fall in love with you?

Love is no different from other psychological emotions that you might experience on a day-to-day basis, like stress, anxiety… or fear. However, what makes love so captivating is its ability to make you feel multiple emotions all at the same time. You can have butterflies in your stomach one second and are running to the bathroom the next. It’s very inconvenient. I miss the days when you could just give the girl’s dad a goat and she became your property.

Luckily, you have me to guide you through this treacherous journey of love. As a teenage girl educated in rom-coms and Frank Ocean, I basically have a Ph.D. in love. So let’s get down to it:

Step one: Always look your best around them.

You’re aiming to be the absolute best version of yourself, so ditch the sweat pants and put on something cute and trendy. Be sure to express yourself through the way you dress and by that I mean dress like everybody else.

Step two: Talk about yourself all the time when you’re around them.

You need to make yourself seem interesting. We all know you’ve been taking naps and looking at Instagram for the past five hours, but they don’t need to know that. They need to think you are the cat’s pajamas. So talk yourself up.

Step three: Post on social media with other people.

Not only could this possibly make them jealous, but it also reinforces step two and makes them think about you; even if it’s only for five seconds, the seed is planted.

Step four: Find out things you have in common and run with it.

If both of you like soccer? Great. If you both have a troubled past, even better. If you know nothing about them except for the fact that they are extremely good looking, at least you know you both drink water. You are drinking water, right?

Step five: Devote your life to the cause.

You need to show them that you are the one, which means you will have to continue this facade of being your best self… forever. That’s just how love works.

Anyways, you can thank me later. I wish you the best of luck.

(Editor’s Note: this article is intended for satire purposes only. The Current takes no responsibility if you try these tips and fail miserably. Also, please don’t trade anyone for a goat–sheep are much more environmentally friendly.)