The lactose intolerance epidemic is one that this country has been enduring for centuries. This group claims that their bodies are special and somehow lack the evolutionary trait of processing animal milk.

Scientists widely agree that lactose intolerance is a conscious choice made by these individuals and that if they really wanted to, they would just stop. “In most cases, they are probably just looking for attention,” a leading lactose-conversion therapist said.

Ahmed Adoodie is the head psychiatrist at the Principal County Conversion Clinic. “Sometimes we find individuals who are so lost in the fantasy that they can’t be rehabilitated back to sanity. I pity their loved ones,” Adoodie said.

Though the lack of scientific evidence obviously discredits the conventions condoned by the group, it is a lifestyle that is gaining popularity within the adolescent generation. Their ulterior motive is not clear, but their actions are despoiling the sanctity of animal consumption, an operation that the human race has utilized for as long as time itself.

In recent years, our community has begrudgingly endured the efforts of this organization, simply asking that they refrain from promoting their lifestyle in public. But after the horrific addition of soy milk to the school lunch menu, I think it is safe to say that the intolerant are trying to penetrate the minds of our children with their foul beliefs, and I urge the community to protest.

I urge you to stand up against this gross injustice and protest the corruption of our children from these anomalies by signing the petition to require a dairy-only diet in our public schools. Save the children!

*Disclaimer: this article is intended to be satire.  No “lactose-intolerant” individuals were prejudiced in the writing of this article, which is satirical, and also, satire.