You know what the most useless app ever is? Find My iPhone! I only came to notice this when my iPhone 6 (not even the iPhone 6s nor the 6+… I’d understand stealing one of those.  But a plain 6?  That’s just mean) was stolen while I was at my cross country practice.

It’s quite a sad story but that’s for another time… which is right now.

Both my friend (Kris) and I had left for cross country practice and we put our phones in our bag. We came back quicker than normal because that day was a chill practice day. We both checked our bags for our phones only to see that they were stolen.

Now this upset me for multiple reasons.

Reason One: why did someone have to steal my phone of all phones? I’m a nice kid/man/teen.

Reason two: why did they take my friend’s phone too? He’s a nice guy as well and doesn’t even have the holy grail of all phones like I did. He was stuck with some HTC, which wasn’t that bad of a phone, but without that little half-eaten apple on the back, it can’t be worth that much.

Reason three: Not only did they take our phones, they took our Capri Suns and LEFT the $40 we had.  Like really?  If you’re going to rob me, couldn’t you at least leave me a delicious fruit drink to enjoy in the absence of my phone?

Of all the things you could take from two backpacks including our chargers, pencils, paper and MONEY, you choose to take the Capri Sun. I wish I could meet the person who stole our stuff so I could interrogate them NCIS: LA style and question what was going in their mind when they saw the $40 and went, “Nah man, I can’t take the money, it’s too mainstream,” and said, “yeah *rubs hands like Bird Man* let me take this Capri Sun,” just so I could see their foolish response.

So later on, I went home and told my parents, expecting them to be filled with rage over my losing a $500 phone, making me wait two years for a new phone and sending me to the bowels of Tanzania to think about what I’d done.

Instead, miraculously, they told me not to cry about it because it wasn’t my fault that my phone got stolen.  And they pointed out that we could always get more Capri Sun.  At that moment, I felt stress fly off my back like wings (not like Wing Stop, but that would be really good right now.  Then again, so would a Capri Sun!). So my first instinct was to use my laptop to use Find My iPhone.

At which point I realized that my phone truly was lost forever.

First, it took like 20 minutes to load. Once it finally loaded, it showed me the last activated place, which was in the streets, and it never was re-activated to this day.

My mom took pity on me and gave me an old iPhone 5, which I vow to never let out of my sight or my name is Hezekiah Likekele (which is pronounced as Heh-zee-ky-ah Lee-kee-kay-lay.

So the moral of this story is that if your phone goes missing, you’ll never see it again unless Steve Jobs comes back from the dead and redesigns the app entirely.

And I, meanwhile, will be inventing a far superior app to recover stolen Capri Suns.  Because when I find who stole that Capri Sun, it’s going to be like Liam Neeson in Taken.  I WILL find you, Capri Sun thief!